It’s easy to fall into past cycles, former ways of coping with these feelings, but I’ve come too far to spiral into an obsessive, worrisome fit of panic and stream of intrusive thoughts that will likely manifest into physical symptoms and pattern of googling. I won’t do it, even though part of me wants to. Continue reading “When I woke up this morning, I was feeling pretty good. That was about two hours ago. Now, I can’t stop the tears from flowing as the anxiety creeps into my stomach, clamps down, and pulls at it as if trying to either rip it apart or fold and layer it on top of itself.”
Tag Archives: binge eating
Do Something Differently
As we begin a new year, I reflect on the past one and anticipate the one ahead. What can I do differently this year to live the life I dream of? This is a familiar place, one I’ve visited many times before, one I’ve committed to living in and making my new home. But, theContinue reading “Do Something Differently”
It’s a Lifestyle
Today marks 58 days of my recovery from Binge Eating Disorder. 58 days of not bingeing, of not turning to food for consolation, for comfort, or for familiarity. 58 days of feeling my emotions, of actually facing and sitting with the anxiety that surfaces when I’m not using donuts and chips to stuff it backContinue reading “It’s a Lifestyle”
Enough
It’s hard to explain what it feels like to be overcome with anxiety in any given moment, especially to someone who has never experienced it. In the moment, an intense fear overcomes me, paralyzes me, consumes me, and I become somewhat unable to function. It’s like I’m half-awake and dreaming, knowing I’m in a dreamContinue reading “Enough”
Things I Worry About
I’ve been overweight since the fifth grade. That’s 36 years of yo-yo dieting, binge eating, feeling insecure, and worrying about my weight. 36 years of not doing the things I want to do or trying the things I’ve always wanted to try. 36 years of being afraid to be who I am, of being afraidContinue reading “Things I Worry About”
A Day in the Life
Today, I am shattered glass spread across the floor in so many pieces that my original form is unrecognizable. I am broken without the possibility of repair. Today, life is hopeless, barren, and suffocating. There is no possible end that will satisfy me. I can’t see a path that gets me where I want toContinue reading “A Day in the Life”
I Am More
I have experienced so many conflicting emotions over the past few weeks and my current situation is making me very anxious and overwhelmed. There’s so much going on that, unfortunately, I can’t get the professional treatment I need right now to address the eating disorder. So, here I am feeling heavy, gross, and just downrightContinue reading “I Am More”
Everyday Body
49 days. It seems like such a long time when I count the actual days, but realistically it’s only about a month and half. Still, 49 days without a binge, without concealing food and stuffing it down my throat in private, is a big thing. And I’m proud of myself. Every day I battle withContinue reading “Everyday Body”
Just A Symptom
I first started Weight Watchers when I was sixteen years old. I wanted to lose about thirty pounds. I lost that weight easily and quickly and felt beautiful, sexy, and healthy. I swore by that program, as it worked for me. It changed my life. Twenty-nine years later, I still have the WW app onContinue reading “Just A Symptom”
“Just” Anxiety
“It’s just anxiety. Relax. It’s not like you have a real problem.” “Anxiety isn’t a medical condition.” “People should not be able to have a service dog for anxiety. Service dogs are for people who have actual medical conditions.” They don’t even attempt to conceal the eye rolls, the condescending smirks, or the ignorant commentsContinue reading ““Just” Anxiety”
Overweight, Anxious, and Done 