Do Something Differently

As we begin a new year, I reflect on the past one and anticipate the one ahead. What can I do differently this year to live the life I dream of? This is a familiar place, one I’ve visited many times before, one I’ve committed to living in and making my new home. But, the moment I step in here, I am reminded of the fact that I’ve been here so many times and have made this pledge every time I’ve visited. Once again, I’m saddened and disappointed that I didn’t follow through. Each year, it’s getting harder and harder to stay optimistic, to believe that I can achieve what it is I say I want.

I’m tired of being fat. I’m tired of being out of breath with just the smallest movement. I’m tired of wearing pants with an elastic waist. I’m tired of hating the way I look.

I’m tired of being anxious, of worrying all of the time. I’m tired of panicking about what may happen. I’m tired of being so scared. All. The. Time.

I’m tired of thinking I’m sick, of thinking there’s something wrong with me. I’m tired of worrying about every new sensation I feel in my body. I’m tired of googling and poking at myself and thinking I’m going to die.

This life I live is tiring. I toss and turn all night. I wake up exhausted and in pain. Inside and out, I hurt. And although I find myself often saying I’m done with this type of life, I’m still here. Still fat. Still anxious. Still in pain. Still fearful.

What can I do differently this year to live the life I dream of? Well, I can exercise. I can eat a balanced diet. I can drink more water. I can journal more or read more or distract myself more or write more poetry. I can let stuff go. I can not obsess. I can choose to be happy.

But I fear I won’t. Again. Like I haven’t year after year. Most of all, I fear being in the same place next year having made the same resolutions, wishing for the same things, wondering what I can do differently to make it happen, but don’t.

I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know what to do differently. I feel weak, too weak to get better. Too weak to overcome, to survive, to once and for all beat this. I don’t give up, but I’m finding it too easy to give in. I need that switch to flip, something to click so that I can do what I need to do.

But something tells me no one is waving a magic wand over that light switch, and if I want it to flip, I’m going to have to do it myself. But how? Just get up and move it? Just walk over to it and push it to the other side? Is that all it will take? What do I need to do differently to make that happen? Just flip the switch.

Twenty years of therapy and many more of dieting and worrying and obsessing. When does it change? Maybe it’s not with the flip of a switch. Maybe it’s with a flip of a mindset. Maybe it will happen when I make the conscious decision to change the way I think. Or when I make the decision to change.

Perhaps all these years I hadn’t truly decided that I wanted my life to be different. Maybe that was a result of fear of change or being comfortable in the discomfort. Maybe what I can do differently is approach this year differently. No dieting, no unrealistic exercise plans, no committing to a self-care practice that takes hours to complete each day, no running from my feelings, or trying to keep myself busy. Instead, I can make room in my life for whatever is supposed to be in it by clearing out what isn’t.

If I truly want to make a change and live the life of my dreams, I have to clear out what is preventing me from doing so. Instead of focusing on adding things to my life that I hope will lead me to the life I want to live, maybe I need to focus on getting rid of what no longer serves me so that the stuff that’s meant to be in my life will find a place for it.

Right now, there’s no time for a thirty-minute meditation and twenty minutes of exercise in the morning because that time is taken up with obsessive worrying and googling health symptoms. Right now, there’s no time to go for a walk after dinner because I’m crying on the couch about how much my body hurts. Right now, there’s no time to write because I’m too busy researching urgent care centers that have x-ray or ultrasound machines.

There’s no room in my life for what I want to bring in because it’s taken up with things I no longer want or need. And that’s going to be my focus this year: making room.