I’ve been overweight since the fifth grade. That’s 36 years of yo-yo dieting, binge eating, feeling insecure, and worrying about my weight. 36 years of not doing the things I want to do or trying the things I’ve always wanted to try. 36 years of being afraid to be who I am, of being afraid to live.
Here I am, having recently turned 46 years old still worrying and fearing and not living. Still making excuses for why I can’t do things or go places. Still living behind the wall of fat I have created, a wall that has protected me for so long. But, what if I no longer need protection? What if I can protect myself from anything or anyone who wants to harm me? What if I can be who I truly am without fear of rejection? I’m about to find out.
Overcoming an eating disorder is hard. I’ve fallen more times than I can count, but here I am getting up again. Here I am trying to release the pain and fear that has accumulated over the years. Here I am releasing the coping mechanism that has “protected” me for 36 years. Here I am.
This week, I’ve been focusing on the psychology behind weight loss and on making healthier food choices. I’m trying to be more aware of what I’m eating and how it makes me feel. I’ve been okay. The anxiety has slightly increased, but I’m handling it. I’m okay.
As I’ve recommitted to living a healthier lifestyle, I’ve been thinking about why I want to do that, why I really want to lose the weight. I want to stop worrying about self-induced weight-related issues. In doing so, I created a list of things I worry about, so that I could go back to it whenever I feel like giving up or not trying. I also created a list of things I want to do but haven’t (or have stopped doing) because the excess weight has been holding me back. I created that list for the same reason as the first: so it can serve as motivation to keep going towards a healthier, more active life.
Things I worry about:
- getting on the scale in the morning and weighing more than I did the last time I weighed myself
- putting on a pair of pants and not being able to button or zipper them
- eating in front of people
- people thinking I’m fat
- people calling me fat
- the cellulite on my legs
- swollen ankles
- getting diabetes
- not being able to walk
- getting a rash under my skin folds
- sitting on a chair and breaking it…again
- not being able to fit on another roller coaster
- my fat hanging off the side of the chair
- not being able to get up from a chair that’s low to the ground
- my pants splitting when I bend over
- being in pain all the time
- dying an early death because I’m obese
- sweating too much
- being out of breath just from walking
- my husband seeing me naked
- having fat girl body odor
- not being able to do fun things with my son
- people seeing me in a bathing suit
- people seeing me in shorts
- getting sick
- not being able to keep up with my friends on a walk
- when I’m going to eat again
- if I’ll ever be able to stop obsessing about food
- if I’ll ever lose the weight and actually keep it off
- that I’ll never be the fun friend
- that I’ll never be the cool friend
- that I’ll always be the fat friend
- that I won’t have enough to eat
- that I’ll eat too much
- that I won’t fit through the opening at the ball field
- that I won’t be able to close the door to the bathroom stall
- my husband realizing I’m not good enough for him
- my son being embarrassed by me
Things I want to try, do, or do again:
- climb a waterfall
- run a 5K
- kayaking
- parasailing
- ziplining
- go to the beach in a bathing suit without a coverup
- wear shorts in the summer
- wear a short sleeve shirt without worrying about how much arm fat is showing
- go on a hike without pain
- climb a flight of stairs without losing my breath
- take a yoga class
- sit in any chair I want without thinking twice about it
- buy a chair without looking at the weight limit first
- go on a roller coaster without trying the test seat first
- take dance classes with my husband
- go on a water slide
- go dancing
- jump into my husband’s arms
- play sports with my son
I want to stop worrying, fearing, and obsessing and start living.
Overweight, Anxious, and Done 