I Am More

I have experienced so many conflicting emotions over the past few weeks and my current situation is making me very anxious and overwhelmed. There’s so much going on that, unfortunately, I can’t get the professional treatment I need right now to address the eating disorder. So, here I am feeling heavy, gross, and just downright miserable. I know that following any kind of diet plan is only going to set me up for failure, yet I don’t know what else to do. I haven’t really been bingeing or restricting, but I’m not making healthy food choices either. My therapist did tell me that I would probably gain weight after not bingeing for a while until I kind of get it out of my system. It’s been several months and I guess it’s still not out of my system.

For the first time in 3 months, I weighed myself last week. I didn’t want to. Not only do I know that focusing on a number is not going to help me overcome BED, I also didn’t want to know how much weight I’ve gained. I know I have gained because my clothes don’t fit me and I am winded just going up and down the stairs or walking up the block. I know I put weight on. I just didn’t want to know exactly how much, so that is part of why I haven’t weighed myself in so long, even though I kept telling myself that it was related to my recovery.

The number was jarring. It was a number that I have never seen on any scale I’ve ever been on. And although I thought that I would be anxious seeing that number and panicking over it, a sense of calm and knowing came over me instead. Now I know. The number doesn’t go down and the fat doesn’t go away just because I’m avoiding the scale. I’m glad I got on the scale, and maybe, according to the textbook treatment for BED, I shouldn’t be, but I am. I’m glad I know what that number is. I’m glad it was staring me back in the face last week. I’m glad because now I know how dire the situation really is.

I made some really great, healthy choices over the last week, and I’m proud of myself. I managed to not binge AND make healthier food choices. But, I’m scared. I don’t want to start restricting myself because I know restricting foods is not the answer. I don’t want to say that I will remove all carbs and all sugar from my diet because I know that will only set me up for failure. I don’t want to get addicted to the scale and weighing myself twice a day again. I’m scared of falling victim to the disorder. I’m scared of the side effects of being this size.

The balance I’m struggling to find right now is the one between not restricting foods and making healthy choices that make me feel good. Having dessert when I want it, but knowing that doesn’t mean eating dessert three times a day. Discovering the answer to, How do I eat in moderation so that I don’t deprive myself and so that I nourish myself to restore my health? This is what I’m working on and struggling with.

I don’t know what this next week will bring or what it will look like. All I know is that today, right now, I am choosing health. I am choosing to love myself regardless of what I look like and how much I weigh. I am choosing to be aware of the role food plays in my life and how I use it for comfort, control, and coping.

I am more than my food choices.

I am more than a number on the scale.

I am more than my physical body.

I am more than enough.