On Being Too Good

Do you think someone can be too good? My husband has told me on several different occasions that he thinks I’m just too good, too good to other people, too nice. I remember being a little taken aback the first time he said it to me and I laughed it off and replied, “How could a person be too good? How is that even possible?” I thought to myself, How could a person be too good, too kind, too helpful, or too giving? As the past couple of months have gone by and I’ve somewhat complained to him here and there about how other people were treating me, he reminded me that I’m just too good. He said that people don’t appreciate me or what I have to offer. People don’t respect the fact that I often go out of my way for them, to help them, or just to be kind. He said I’m only going to be disappointed when people don’t treat me the way I treat them. And that’s what we’ve kind of always been taught, right? That we treat people the way we want to be treated. Somehow, if we’re good to others that just means they’re automatically going to be good to us. So we treat people the way we want to be treated. But, when we treat people the way we want to be treated, the way we expect to be treated in return, and then we’re not treated that way, what do we do? Do we stop being kind and helpful? Do we stop going out of our way for people? Do we stop doing what we feel is right just because someone else didn’t reciprocate? 

I believe that whatever we put out into the world will come back to us. But, after several people have not treated me the way I treat them I’ve been thinking about if I act out of compassion, kindness, and love because I want to spread those things and that’s just who I am, or if I’m acting that way because I have an expectation that it’s going to somehow come back to me. If it’s the latter, then that’s not really how that works. So, I’ve been reflecting on why I do the things I do, why I offer to make dinner for friends who are going through rough times, why I offer to bring more than my share to a friendly get-together, why I give so freely of my time to so many people, why I work for free and don’t charge for my services, why I’m often the first one to offer help to someone in need.  

I’ve been sitting with those questions for the past couple of weeks and I’ve asked myself several others along the way. Do I do those things because I truly like to see other people happy or because I don’t like to see other people struggle? Do I do those things because they make me feel good or look good? Do I do those things because I want people to like me? Or, do I do those things because I feel like I’m just doing the right thing? The answers have been very revealing, as I have attempted to be as honest with myself as possible. I do like to see other people happy. If I could make someone’s day just a little bit easier, why not do it? I don’t like to see other people in pain. I want to help those in need. Does that make me feel good? Yes, it does, but does it mean my motives are selfish, that I do good just because it makes me feel good? Maybe in a way, but I’m not completely sold on that. We all know I have suffered from and with anxiety for many years now. I know that pain very intimately, so when I see others in pain, I want to alleviate that for them in some way even if it’s momentarily. I know what it feels like to feel alone and lost. If I could provide temporary comfort to someone in need, why would I not do it? 

Then I start thinking about my desire to have everyone like me. What if I am only helping others because I want them to like me? Wouldn’t that be just horrible? So, I’ve been reflecting on that, and yes, I do want people to like me. I think most people would feel the same way. I don’t think people walk around saying, “I’m going to do everything in my power today to make sure no one likes me.” I also understand that many people just don’t care.  They go about their day doing their thing and if others don’t like them, that’s their problem. They don’t let it affect them. In many ways, I wish I were like that. I wish I just didn’t care if people liked me or not, whether they were talking about me or not, whether or not they viewed me in a negative way. The truth is I do care, and I am working on starting to care a little less. But, when I anonymously buy dinner for a random stranger, am I looking for that person to like me? That person doesn’t even know who I am. When I donate to a food pantry, am I looking for those families to like me? They don’t even know who I am. When I buy a homeless man lunch and give him money, am I looking for his approval or for him to like me? Clearly not.

In many ways, I can see how some of the good things I do can be perceived as attention-seeking, or  as a desire to be liked or loved, but after all this thought these past couple of weeks, after honestly reflecting on who I am and why I do the things I do, that’s not why I’m kind, helpful, or giving. I give, I help, and I love because I care about other people. I want to help those in need because I can. I want to show people that there are other people who care about them, that they are not alone, that there is still good in this world. That a perfect stranger will go out of her way to help someone in need just because she can and wants to, not because she expects anything in return. So, the short answer is no, I don’t do the things I do because I want recognition, love, respect, or reciprocity. I do them because I want to help others. That’s it. I want to.  

If that’s the case, then it shouldn’t matter if others don’t treat me the same way. It shouldn’t matter if they don’t appreciate or respect my time, or if they aren’t there for me in the same way I am there for them because I do what I do because I want to, because I am doing what I feel is right in my heart.

With all the whining I’ve been doing lately about people not respecting me or appreciating me and the things I do, I have realized that it truly doesn’t matter. I am not going to stop being the person I am and doing the things I want to do, the things I know are right, simply because others don’t recognize or show appreciation. If I did, then I wouldn’t be doing “good” things for the right reason. I will continue to do, give, help, care, and love especially to those who don’t reciprocate in those ways because they are truly the ones who need it the most. And if I’m truly trying to help others in need, I will continue to give of myself.

Even though I had started to feel like maybe my husband is right, like people do take advantage of me, like maybe I am “too” good, I now realize that my initial reaction was right. There is no such thing as being “too” good. It’s about doing what I think, believe, and feel is right. And to me, the way I live my life just feels right. It’s like I tell my students all the time:  We can’t control what other people say or do. The only thing we can really control is our reaction and the way we respond. If I’m looking to respond to someone in a way that doesn’t feel right to me, and I’m doing it out of revenge or because it’s in response to the way they treated me, then I wouldn’t be being true to myself. There are very few things that I’m really in control of in this life, but I am fully responsible for the way I act, what I say, and the things I do and don’t do. So I will continue to do what I feel is right in my heart whether people seemingly deserve it or not, whether they appreciate it or not, because my actions are a reflection of me and their actions are a reflection of them. What some may call “too” good, I call being who I am and who I am being called to be, regardless of the individual standing in front of me.