Breaking free from the diet mentality is hard. Here I am, the day after Easter and not even a week after we buried my grandmother. My whole life feels out of control. I feel lost, alone, and overwhelmed. One thing I’m sure of right now is that I want to lose weight. I contemplate getting back “on plan” or cutting back on sugar and carbs. Maybe I should throw away all the sweets in my refrigerator or start counting again.
For the first time in my life, I am acknowledging I have an eating disorder. I am acknowledging that I have been stuck in a diet mentality for most of my life. I am acknowledging that I have been stuck in a pattern that has only been causing me to gain more weight over the years. I am aware.
As tempting as it is to go back to “being good” with my food, I know I can’t think that way anymore. I know that’s what contributing to the problem. Yet, I feel like I’m being pushed and pulled and led to that direction. I feel like I’m being tempted and that I can’t say no, that I don’t have any control over this part of my life. It’s an addiction that I sometimes feel powerless over.
But I know jumping on another diet will only make me obsess about food, eventually gain more weight, and continue to binge eat. For the past 35 days, I haven’t been obsessed with what I’m eating or going to eat. I don’t worry that I’m going to be hungry or that I won’t be able to enjoy a treat. My life has not revolved around food. Instead of dieting, I have been paying attention to how I feel. I often check in with myself to see if I’m actually hungry before I eat. While I’m eating, I ask myself if I’m full and why I’m continuing to eat if I am. I consider how I will feel if I eat certain foods and how I do feel after I eat them. I am paying attention to my body and what it needs and wants. I’m not dieting.
Dieting leads to restricting foods, whether it’s sugar, carbs, fats, or calories. Restriction leads to binges because my mind goes into survival mode and since I don’t know when I will be “allowed” to eat these foods again, I need to get my fill now. Dieting will help me lose weight pretty quickly. I could be down twenty pounds before summer officially starts, but I will be up thirty by fall if I go on another diet, an eating plan, or a “lifestyle change” right now. I know that for me, doing that will only lead to more weight gain and continue the unhealthy relationship I have with food.
Last week, I threw away sweets and pastries I had leftover from my grandmother’s wake. I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted to eat them, perhaps even binge on them, so I dumped them. I was proud of myself for having the courage to throw away cannoli-filled deliciousness, but now I wonder if that was the right decision. If all food is equal and no food is either good or bad, then why did I throw away all the sweets in my fridge? The implication is that they are “bad” foods that I shouldn’t be eating. Throwing those pastries away gave into the diet mentality.
I’m working on understanding the difference between an actual binge and simply eating something that is not acceptable by those following a diet mentality. Yes, there is a difference between eating a piece of pastry and bingeing on a box of pastries. There’s also a difference between eating for comfort and simply eating dessert because it tastes good and I want it. I’m currently trying to work those things out and trying to be gentle with myself in the process.
I repeat:
No foods are off limits.
All foods are equal.
I can eat whatever I want whenever I want.
And as I sit here right now and ask myself if I’m really hungry or am just looking for food to fill a void, I decide to go on a walk with my boy and my dog. And if I’m hungry when we get back, I will eat. I will eat food that tastes good and that makes me feel good.
And I am okay with that.
Overweight, Anxious, and Done 