Today

As I stare at this blank page, I realize I can either choose to fear the unknown, the vast uncertainty that lies ahead, or I can embrace the excitement that the unknown brings with it. I can choose to get overwhelmed as I stare at the blank page wondering what I am going to write about next and how I am going to fill enough space to make it worthwhile, or I can see the blank page as a way to start over, a way to recreate myself, a new beginning.

Today, I choose not to be afraid.

For many years, I have struggled with being alone. Even when I’m surrounded by people, I feel alone, misunderstood, and even invisible at times. I talk because I think that will help me feel part of the conversation. I talk even more when that doesn’t work and no matter how much I insert myself into the discussion, I feel like an outsider, out of place and simply tolerated. It’s rarely natural or easy for me to engage in discussion. Much of it is planned and thought out for fear of getting it wrong or being judged. But, as uncomfortable as it is for me to “fit in,” I long to be in others’ company because being alone is paralyzing.

I watch the clock. Two more hours until Jay gets home. There’s so much I could do with the time to make it productive. Laundry, dishes, lessons, yoga, treadmill, meditation, yet I choose to do none of those things. I choose to worry about how depressed I am feeling. I obsess about Lincoln, losing all my friends, money, my health, and my future, convincing myself no one wants to be around me. I choose to worry. I choose to become overwhelmed and fear the unknown and uncertainty that lies ahead. For many years, this is what I have chosen.

Today, I choose to recreate myself and welcome the blank page.

For the past almost 18 years, I have suffered, mostly silently, with various types of anxiety disorders. Those anxiety disorders led to an eating disorder that has only exacerbated the anxiety. To others, I appear confident, strong, calm, organized, and funny. I tell jokes. I curse. I’m outgoing and social. But on the inside, I am insecure and I feel weak, like a big, fat failure who is frazzled, out of control, and lacking direction. I don’t feel like I’m good enough or that I’m worthy of good things in my life. I feel like I have to try really hard to get people to like me because they will inevitably realize they don’t and will leave me. Alone.

So, I overcompensate. I try to appear strong and confident. I tell jokes. I talk about myself to avoid awkward moments of silence, to make myself seem more confident than I really am, to connect with people when I fear I won’t be able to relate, to distract them from the hideousness that is my body. I talk so everyone looks at me, so they could see how smart I am, how strong I am, how confident I am even in my protruding layers of fat, how important I am because I feel anything but. Hey, look at me! I subconsciously scream hoping for someone to validate me.

Look at me, but don’t see me. I won’t let you in. I will create a barrier between us before you know who I truly am. Before you leave me. Before you realize I’m not funny, not strong, and not smart. Before you realize I am not who you think I am. Stop looking at me.

But today, I’m choosing differently. I’m choosing to look at myself from a different perspective. I am strong. I am smart. I am funny. I have to work on some things, but they don’t make me any less worthy and valuable in this life. I AM enough. I always have been. It just took me a while to realize that. I don’t need to overcompensate. I am beginning to like who I am and if people don’t like me, that’s okay. Not everyone is going to and that doesn’t mean I am less than. It means that I am human.

Yes, I make mistakes. No, I’m not perfect. But, I am a good person. That I know. So, today I choose not to judge myself, not to berate myself, not to talk negatively about myself. Nothing that has happened to me or that I have done warrants that kind of self-sabotage. I am enough.

I used to think the anxiety that has suffocated me for so long is what makes me weak. I used to think the eating disorder that has stifled me is what makes me insecure. Today, I see that it’s those two things that have made me into the strong, brave, courageous woman I am. With each day that passes, with each day that brings me closer to overcoming both once and for all, I know that it will be destroying these two barriers that will make me feel even stronger.

My body, as overweight as I am, has kept me healthy and has protected me for 45 years. Instead of walking past a mirror and looking at myself in disgust and mumbling how much I hate my body, today I will show it gratitude and respect for keeping me alive for this long. My body is beautiful. Every body is beautiful, for it is the vessel sustaining life. It deserves, I deserve, to be loved.

Today, I choose to love myself.